Female Manipulator Music
How being "your favourite worst nightmare" didn't work out, & my musings on self-discovery.
When I was 21 and still decently manic, naive, and lacking in frontal lobe development, I fell back in love with the Arctic Monkeys. It began with the rediscovery of my favorite song “Leave Before The Lights Come On”, and, soon, the band became my entire personality.
Initially, what I loved about their music was not the music itself. I loved how the songs made me feel. I loved how Alex Turner whipped up a female protagonist that was all encompassing and sexually powerful. I loved the idea of being “the-girl-in-an-Arctic-Monkey’s song”. I wanted to be the muse. Perhaps to paint over my own insecurities. Treating Turner’s lyrics as a biblical text I would bow my head and pray to.
I came into this headspace at a vulnerable and insecure time. I was desperate for anything to boost my confidence, and, while music can be a great motivator in many positive ways, I could not have chosen a more vain and unfulfilling avenue to channel my energy.
I wanted to play pretend as “Arabella”; I wanted to be the girl with a skirt that was a “sawn off shotgun”. I was using hedonism to mask the issue that I was deeply uncertain in myself. I wanted to be memorable. It was easier to play dress up as a song. To act as though I was the heartbreaker — the reason for someone’s “Only One’s Who Know” or “Too Much To Ask” — when, in reality, it was always me who was heart achingly lonely. Especially when I acted all dressed up as some apparition in a room full of people.
Attention is not affection. And music can save your life, but it can’t tell you who you are.
I do love how the women in these songs seem to have this all encompassing power over the men. That’s all I really wanted. To feel powerful. (Well, perhaps, really, I wanted revenge.) But no man writing pining symbolic, spell casting lyrics was going to give me that. It took me a few years, and some life experience, to understand the feeling of power I was searching for — cliche drumroll — would have to originate from myself.
Because playing life as who you are is far better than being played as the feminine apparition.
But, after so much time spent trying to be memorable, who was I?
And, what did I want?
I stopped wanting to be the girl in an Arctic Monkey’s song when I realized I wanted to work with musicians. I yearned to contribute to their careers in a way that never involved the lyricism.
Since, I've been leveraging my skills in photography & cinematography to gain experience in the music industry. I’ve interviewed musicians, directed music videos, edited social content, researched for management companies, volunteered at local music festivals, written about songs or shows that have impacted me — in hopes they’ll impact someone else… But all this “experience” has not brought me any closer to what I want to do.
In this next chapter of my music industry pursuits, I see myself leaning into the Booking, Touring, & Agency departments.
I like to call the shots. I enjoy client relations, drafting contracts, production. (Perhaps the illusion of control). I know how to make a compelling pitch. I understand venue operational logistics… I found an avenue where I feel both passionate and powerful.
I don’t need to be the girl inspiring the music, but I want to be the girl supporting and sponsoring the artists making the music.
Live music may be the final frontier of the music industry, but it’s also the reason I discovered what I am passionate about. To be representing artists that can turn a quiet dark room into a raucous community; who put on a show that make you forget all other shows. That is the power of live music. A band can make us feel — powerful, love, pain, joy, even less alone…. This is the industry of inspiration.
Sometimes to feel is all we need.